Friday, February 02, 2007

Alternate Services Book

A Service For The Dedication of Canada To The Kyoto Protocol

Celebrant: We will be back!
All: And we will get the job done!

Celebrant: You don't know how hard it is to set priorities!
All: Stephen Harper is fat.

Entrance Hymn : Lo, Dion comes, with CO2 ascending.

The Confession & Absolution

All: Almighty Kyoto, we confess and bewail our exhaust manifold sins. We are heartily sorry and repent of all our SUVs. Look not on the size of our carbon footprint, but on our platitudes and vague pronouncements and grant that we may serve you in elected office when the fat guy leaves. Amen.

Celebrant: Go forth and rejoice in your convictions for fraud (or it may be theft, conspiracy or other white collar crime).

The Readings

A reading from the profit Suzuki.

An inconvenient sermon may then be given by Al Gore.

The Renewal of Green Vows

Celebrant: Do you renounce fossil fuels and all their emissions?
All: We renounce them. Next year, or maybe the one after.

Celebrant: Are you prepared to turn off the lights and sacrifice your economy?
All: There will be no economic consequences.

Celebrant: Are you willing to save the planet by reducing your 2% contribution to greenhouse gases while the rest of the world may or may not?
All: We are Canada. Somebody notice us, please.

Celebrant: Do you support the establishment of international carbon-trading systems?
The Developing World: Send us your money!

Celebrant: Will you seize control of the oil sands, according to the prophesy of Holland?
All: Alberta can blow me.

Closing Prayer:

All: Our climate, which art changing, give us doomsday and our daily threat. Do not forgive those who emit against thee, while we forgive those who did nothing for 13 years. Lead us not into reality but deliver us from any kind of rational thought. For thine is the panic, the hysteria and the media buzz.

Celebrant: Climate change is this year's avian flu!
All: Dion save the planet!

Celebrant: The carbon exchange be with you!
All: And also with you.

The people shall then exchange carbon credits, while total emissions remain constant or rise.

Celebrant: Go on foot to love and serve your bicycles.
All: For even horses emit greenhouse gases.

Closing Hymn: There Is A Green Party Far Away.