Elephant "Lucy" Will Not Be Moved

The world of human rights has been rocked to its foundations in recent days by the controversy over an aging white elephant known as "Lucy". The animal, a member of the endangered species freeloadus warmani, has for many years been a key attraction at the zoo that is the Canadian Human Rights Commission. Recently, however, Lucy's age, coupled with changing trends in the legal world of section 13 complaints has had some questioning whether Lucy should be moved to a cosy retirement far from the public eye.

Experts consulted by TDPC reporters working on this story were divided on the question of retiring Lucy. One man, who gave his name only as 'Warren' told TDPC:

It really wouldn't be fair to Lucy to retire her at this time. She's so used to feeding at the trough of hate speech complaints that weaning her off them is going to be seriously detrimental to her health. And I really don't buy these trendy ideas about freedom of expression that the other side is coming up with. We have been building a long tradition in this country of state control over thought and opinion and I think that's done Lucy a lot of good. We'll see that this free speech thing is just a fad and it will be back to business as usual very soon. My friend Michael's against free speech and he's never wrong about anything.

On the other side, many point to Lucy's declining years and diminished mental capacity, and argue that she probably hasn't long to live in any case. People are no longer flocking to bogus human rights circuses to watch show animals like Lucy, and the tide of public opinion does seem to be turning against them. For the time being, however, it looks as though Lucy is planning to stay put against all the odds.