Monday, June 04, 2007

In Which McGuinty The Pooh Builds An Elektorit Trap

Early one morning, when the sun had risen over the Hundred Acre Wood, McGuinty The Pooh stepped outside his house in the Hollow Tree, and found a note. In Christopher Robin's best handwriting, it read:


McGuinty The Pooh studied the note for a while, then decided to go and visit his friend and finance minister, Rabbit. When he arrived at Rabbit's hole, he stuck his long nose inside and called. But there was no answer.

"Hmmmm," thought McGuinty The Pooh to himself. "I am a Premier of Very Little Brain," he thought, "but I would say that Rabbit isn't home. He must be visiting his Friends and Relations at Royal Group Technologies. But there is an Elecshun coming up and I must Make A Plan. I shall go and see my Trusted Advisor Tigger."

At Tigger's house, McGuinty heard loud punk music coming from every window and door. He shouted as loud as his gruff, deep bear's voice would let him, but he couldn't get Tigger's attention. Once he saw Tigger's tail flash past the window as Tigger bounced in time to the Shagging Pile Carpets, but even then he couldn't make himself heard.

"I know," thought McGuinty The Pooh, "I shall go and see Piglet, the Attorney General."

At Piglet's house everything was quiet. Pooh stuck his head around Piglet's door. "Are you at home, Piglet?" he called. A small squeaky voice answered him. "No," said Piglet. McGuinty The Pooh scratched his head. "It sounds as though you are home," he said at length.

"I'm not here." said Piglet. "Christopher Robin says there is a Native Protest at the Poohsticks Bridge, and I am not coming out until they've all gone away. I'm scared of Native Protests."

McGuinty The Pooh walked sadly away from Piglet's house. He was starting to worry about the big Elecshun creeping up on him, so he kept looking this way and that, taking glances over his shoulder. Then he tripped over a log and scratched his knees. "Bother," said Pooh. "I had better go and see Owl. He will know what to do about a scratched Premier of Very Little Brain."

When Pooh arrived at Owl's tree, Owl was nowhere to be seen. Even the sign for the Wolery had disappeared. While he was looking around, Roo hopped past. "Hello, Health Minister Roo," said Pooh. "Do you know where Owl has gone?"

"He left," said Roo. "He had a better offer from the United States."

Pooh sat down on an old tree stump and buried his head in his paws. "But my health tax was meant to cure the doctor shortage," he said to himself. After a few sorrowful minutes, he picked himself up. "I know," he thought. "I'll make a cheery Healthcare Hum." So as he walked through the Forest, he hummed to himself.

"The more I tax," he sang, "The more I spend... My tax and spend, it knows no end... Some say they have no real healthcare... but Toronto's all right, so I don't care.... The only thing that really Annoys... is when reporters make some Noise... about my slush fund for my friends... and now that Scam has had to end..."

After a while, McGuinty The Pooh met Kanga. She was putting up signs on all the trees in the wood. "TAK MOR MALT XTRACT" they said, and "NO SMOKING". "Hello, Health Promotion Minster," said Pooh. "Thank you for being such an Excellent Nanny to my State."

Eventually, McGuinty The Pooh found himself back at his own front door. "Hmmmm..." he said to himself. "Here I am, back again, and I still don't have a Plan for my Elecshun."

Pooh thought and thought until his Thinker hurt; about thirty seconds. "Let me see," he said. "I went all around the Hundred Acre Wood looking for my Elecshun Plan, but I couldn't find Rabbit or Owl... and Tigger is too loud and bouncy... and Kanga was too busy to help... and Piglet is too scared... and now here I am, back where I began... Oh BOTHER."

And then the idea came to him. "If I am back where I was, " he thought, "I can just set my old Elektorit Trap." Carefully, he dug a large pit in the middle of the Forest. Around the outside, he set up notices; "BETTER HEALTHCARE THIS WAY" and "EDUKSHN RULS". A very large sign above all the others said "I WILL NOT RAISE YOUR TAXES." Slowly and laboriously, McGuinty The Pooh signed the Big Notice. "Just like last time," he said to himself, with his usual smug, self-satisfied smile.

Finally, McGuinty The Pooh wrote one more notice and dropped it into the bottom of the Elektorit Trap. He wondered how many he would catch this time and how many voters would get to read the Very Small Print that said... "I LIED... AGAIN."