Saturday, December 05, 2009

Doggerel Party Exclusive: Commander In Chief's Orders to New Afghan Troops

You will bring about the destruction of the Taliban war machine, the elimination of the mullah's tyranny over the oppressed peoples of Afganistan, and security for ourselves in a free world. Your task will not be an easy one. Your enemy is well trained, well equipped, and battle-hardened. He will fight savagely. But this is the year 1944. I mean, 2009. Much has happened since the Al Quaeda triumphs of 2001. The United Nations has inflicted upon the Taliban great defeat in open battle man to man. (Open dialogue, person to person, surely? - Ed)

Our air offensive has seriously reduced their strength in the air and their capacity to wage war on the ground. Our home fronts have given us an overwhelming superiority in weapons and munitions of war and placed at our disposal great reserves of trained fighting men. The tide has turned. The free men of the world are marching together to victory. I have full confidence in your courage, devotion to duty, and skill in battle. We will accept nothing less than full victory. Good luck, and let us all beseech the blessings of Almighty God upon this great and noble undertaking.

And we'll be leaving again in 2011, so if it doesn't work out, it's no big deal.

- General Barry D. Eisenbama