Doggerel Party Exclusive: OTTAWA, Monday June 23, 2008: TDPC has obtained an advance copy of the Moon Report on the Canadian Human Rights Commission.
The report, packaged in a glossy brochure picked out in tasteful shades of gray, introduces the concept of The Rights ShiftTM. The executive summary begins:
"We will raise the costs of the things we all want less of - Maclean's magazine, criticism of the HRCs, anyone to the right of Stephane Dion on the political spectrum, Americans, truth, freedom, natural justice and any challenge to the supremacy of the glorious junta who will in future be responsible for telling all Canadians their prescribed opinions.
We will lower the cost of the things we all want more of: Richard Warman, radical Islamists, bureaucrats, corruption, entrapment, raindrops on roses, whiskers on kittens, bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens."
CHRC operatives will be tasked with identifying the major emitters of free speech, and pricing their emissions with an appropriate scale of fines. The report stresses that this is not going to be a fine on individual Canadians: "Canadians will still enjoy the freedom to speak at no cost, for example when ordering coffee in the morning. Only those Canadians who emit right-wing political discourse will notice an increase in their cost of living."
The report offers a number of examples of how the new regime might change the personal situation of individual Canadians:
"Mr. W. K., Toronto, Ontario
Mr K. is a friendly, right (not Right!!) thinking blogger and political activist. Under the new plan, his financial situation will remain unchanged, as he does not emit anything that would need to be fined and has not, as yet, needed to request credits from the HRCs for any impact from anyone else's emissions.
Mr. R.W., Ottawa, Ontario.
Mr. R.W. is a lawyer by day and a caped, crusading superhero by night (and by day as well, on occasions). He stands to benefit from the new regime, and will likely see his personal income rise by approximately $100,000 per year in HRC fines and penalties. And all of this tax free!
Mr E.L., Edmonton, Alberta.
Mr. E.L. is unworthy of description, but is likely to experience a significant drop in his personal income as the new regime will punish his temerity in airing opinion with a series of legal proceedings, lawyers' fees and fines.
Mrs. X., Ottawa, Ontario.
Mrs. X is a black, disabled, lesbian mother of six, who has been unemployed for eight years. Under the new plan, she will be better off, as she will immediately be hired as an emissions investigator by the CHRC and paid a substantial salary. She will also be given retraining in computer skills, especially in the areas of online identity theft, network hacking and how to write like a Nazi.
The Rights ShiftTM will be entirely revenue neutral, as everything we take from those nasty right-wing writers and their magazines will be given to Mr. R.W. of Ottawa, Ontario."